When I was in eighth grade my family decided to go to Florida for spring break. We never went to the beach and I was so excited. I was finally going to be tan (ya right), I was going to flirt with boys (because when I was in eighth grade I actually knew how to do that..), and I was going to get to play in the waves. There was a quick end to those dreams when my dad came down with the flu. The problem was he never actually got better. It took months to figure out what the problem was but finally after he ended up in the hospital because of severe dehydration they diagnosed him with a disease called ulcerative colitis. Most people with this disease don't see that big of a change in their life, but when you're the 5% that live with it constantly your life flips upside down. And not just your life, but everyone's you care about. I was one of those people and at thirteen years of age I was selfish. I resented God for what he did to my family, what he did to me. I went from being a "good Christian girl" to not wanting to step into a church. Why on earth would God do this to me?! My family was perfect before and he went and screwed everything up! Those were the thoughts that went through my head. See, after my dad's diagnosis we went from living comfortably, to struggling with debt. Medical bills, treatments, medications, hospital bills, it all added up. The one Being I believed in to save us I turned my back on because I was young and selfish. I only saw the bad in this. Honestly, after eight years I still don't really know why it happened. I probably will never know but I don't resent God anymore. My dad is still learning how to live with this disease that will be with him for the rest of his life. It still hurts to see my once marathon running dad not get to do what he loves. It's hard to see him have to stop everything he's doing and go deal with the disease. I honestly still become selfish at times when it affects my life. I wish I could say differently because I don't ever want to disappoint him. I have never opened up about this and don't know why I chose the internet of all places to start. I guess it's easier when I don't have to look at someone because I always end up crying. Crying in front of someone is something I can't stand to do and when you're such an emotional person you can't help the tears sometimes. Don't look at me and feel sorry for me, and don't ever look at my dad and feel sorry for him. This was meant to happen and my family is stronger because of it.
Ann states that "one life-loss can infect the whole of a life." I might not of lost my dad but I did all of the sudden have a different life. Thankfully, God only has plans of blessings. Heartaches happen along the way but they are to bring you to a better place. "His intent, since He bent low and breathed His life into the dust of our lungs, since He kissed us into being, has never been to slyly orchestrate our ruin." He wants to return us to our full glory. Even though we are so unworthy he wants to give, and give, and give. He will never stop giving.
Ann defines grace as a "favor." I like to consider it more as an undeserved gift. We can either accept or refuse it. Christians accept God's grace when they are baptized, but do they choose to live a life filled with His grace? Since the garden there has been a hole in our souls and joy spills out of it. If we were to let God constantly fill us with those undeserved gifts we wouldn't long for more. We wouldn't go searching, and when we search we normally end up sinning.
No matter if we choose to follow Christ or take our own path, God will always be in control. It's our choice to look at the things he gives us, brings us to, and brings us through as either gifts or curses. I don't believe my Father would ever curse me.
P.S. I promise these posts won't be this long once I start putting up my blessings.
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