But God had a different plan. See He loves me too much to forget about me or let me forget about Him. It was around May when I went to go see my brother in Tampa. I had brought two books along for the ride. One was about living radically for Christ. In it, the book described how the Holy Spirit works. I had never heard such, well, radical words and I started to ask for the Spirit to be poured out onto me. It wasn't much later when I was given a CD version of a book I had heard nothing about. I popped it into my car dash and heard the words, "Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit." Hmm.. maybe he had heard me. What a stubborn thing for me to think to myself. Didn't I know that He always hears me? Didn't Jesus say in John 11:41 "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me..." But that's how hard my heart had gotten. That's how far away I'd let myself go.
I found myself traveling to Dallas for the funeral of my grandma (praise be she is in heaven now!!) which meant ample time to listen to the book. I was shaken. I found myself on the side of the highway crying so hard I couldn't see. What had I let myself do?! How had I let myself fall so far?! My prayers couldn't escape my mouth fast enough. I wanted this forgotten God. I wanted to be full.
I came home and started a new bible study with the girls in my class. The study was called Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit. What?! AGAIN?! This time I knew my prayers were being answered in full force. See something in that book caught my attention. Francis Chan talked about not limiting God. Don't pray for small things thinking He can't do big things. If God promised it, then it will be given to you. We are all promised the Holy Spirit at baptism, right? So why do you think He won't give it to you? That changed the way I started praying for the Spirit. It turned from, "If you are willing to give my Your Spirit" to "I can't get enough, keep laying it on me, I want more, I can't have enough!"
I kept praying and reading but I was still missing something. That came when I realized my heart was still in the wrong place. I had gotten caught up in something I wanted recently and realized it was changing my focus from Christ to this earthly thing. I found myself in my dark closet floor asking God for forgiveness that I had lost sight of the most important thing in my life, Him. And then He answered me. He told me desiring wasn't evil but I needed to make sure that nothing I ever wanted in the world was more important than Him. In the end, nothing could take the place of Him. My mind flew back to the past few months and how I had forgotten to pray. See, I hadn't just stopped praying constantly, I had forgotten to sometimes pray entirely. I might go a day without talking to Him! No wonder I didn't feel like the great counselor was there for me! I also had let the cover of my Bible start to get dusty. Yes, I opened it for church and for Bible study, but when was the last time I actually committed time to being in the Word?
Where was this coming from? This wasn't me! My mistakes were made apparent and I asked for repentance! And that is truly the most wonderful thing about our Father. He didn't reprimand me, He took me in His arms and gently told me, "Look at me, child, I love you. All I want is you. Just keep your eyes on Me." And I did.
It's only been three days since all of this happened. I have to laugh at that timeline. Three days. What He can do with three days if you just give Him what He desires, your heart. I gave Him mind again and because of it I feel the fruit of the Spirit even in such a confusing time. No matter what happens I know He is for me.
Psalm 118
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Let Israel say:
“His love endures forever.”
Let the house of Aaron say:
“His love endures forever.”
Let those who fear the Lord say:
“His love endures forever.”
When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;
he brought me into a spacious place.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
The Lord is with me; he is my helper.
I look in triumph on my enemies.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in humans.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.
All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
They swarmed around me like bees,
but they were consumed as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the Lord I cut them down.
I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my defense;
he has become my salvation.
Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
“The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!
The Lord’s right hand is lifted high;
the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!”
I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
The Lord has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.
Open for me the gates of the righteous;
I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.
This is the gate of the Lord
through which the righteous may enter.
I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.
The stone the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone;
the Lord has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.
The Lord has done it this very day;
let us rejoice today and be glad.
Lord, save us!
Lord, grant us success!
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
The Lord is God,
and he has made his light shine on us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession
up to the horns of the altar.
You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
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