The quote "there's always something to be thankful for" comes to mind tonight. I agree with that statement. I was browsing through the events of today trying to find a blessing, eyes closed, fingers pushing on my temples. I came up with many but my question to myself was "are any of these really worth writing about?" When you're life feels at a standstill and there are so many things you hope for, you've been praying for, you desire; what seems good enough. Oh I loathe myself for saying that. Normally, I have something clever to say that turns my selfishness into something spiritual, but tonight I'm not going to lie, I have nothing. Sorry, to disappoint. This girl is going through some serious spiritual search.
I thought I knew God. I really thought I was getting somewhere, that our relationship was growing and that I was learning how to see and hear Him. And now I'm not so sure. Somewhere along the line I messed up. I know it wasn't Him because that isn't in His nature. That is at least one fact I know about Him. I was talking to a friend last night about this. I used the analogy of our friendship. I can have a one sided conversation with her as much as I like and I can read her history and know everything about her, but I still don't really know her. And that's where I am. I want to KNOW God. And maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe I do know Him better than I think, but I don't want to stop now. I want the friendship to grow further. I don't feel like I know Him enough. Now the question is just how to get closer. It's to the point where reading about Him isn't enough, and just praying isn't enough. And when I say that, it doesn't mean I'm quitting both of those, I just feel like there is more. But what is it?
I recently read something in a book. It's about being a "unchurched" lady. Think of the perfect church woman. I won't elaborate on mine, I'd rather just let your mind choose your definition. Now, on the other hand the unchurched woman doesn't always say the right things at the right time. She opens up about her struggles, fears, failures. So, I'm giving it a try. This is mine at least at the current moment. My struggle is knowing how to take this relationship farther. It's learning how to become more intimate with a Father I never want to grow apart from. So tell me, if I don't want to grow apart from Him, why do I find it so hard to grow closer?
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