Drive (Day 52)

It's been on my mind since the beginning of this year. Do I really enjoy design? I know I'm talented, but do I really enjoy it? My first thoughts were no. I didn't like it. Design is selfish, it's many intense hours, it's late nights, early mornings, loads of caffeine (which btw I don't like), it's demanding clients who don't believe I have the skills to design what will sell. And there's another story all in itself. My job is to sell a product. It's to make people believe they need something. It's what makes women, girl as well, believe they are fat. It's what makes men believe that having nice cars and suits will get them women. It's what makes society believe that premarital sex is the right thing to do. But for some reason God gave me this incredible talent.

The Fear of Failure (Day 51)

I have this fear. The fear of failure. I believe that's why I run from things. I'm afraid I'll fail at them so I break ties. I've run from school, projects, design competitions, a variety of sports, friends, relationships, God, even myself. My eyes are tearing up at the realization that I think I have to be so perfect I would rather run away than fight. And you know what? In the end it's causes even more pain. The pain of failure would be a small percentage of the pain I've felt from running, from giving up. And I know I've hurt others in the process. I've left some people with so many questions because I was too afraid to try. Because trying meant failing until I got it right and that's something I can't let myself do.

Busy Weekend (Day 48/49/50)

It's been a long weekend filled with some fun and so much homework. Sorry, I haven't been able to keep up with the blog. This last month of school is going to cause quite a bit of stress. I ask for prayers for me and the other seniors wrapping up their last experiences.

Trying Something New (Day 47)

I'm sorry, but my blessing today is too personal to explain to you today. I was hoping I would never do this to my audience but I really don't feel comfortable sharing the details of this one. I can tell you the blessing was I finally got to talk to a dear friend about personal information I was too afraid to bring up, and when I did I was met with a positive attitude; something I wasn't expecting.

But, even if I'm not comfortable sharing everything, I do want to share something I've come to realize. When I was sharing some of my prayers that had been answered, I felt awkward when saying how God had brought me my answers. Some were very mystical, one even coming from a dream. Why should I feel awkward sharing those? I guess I thought she would think I was crazy and wouldn't believe me. Or maybe she would try and cause more doubt that they weren't real answers. Then I started to think. My thoughts led me to realize that those feelings of awkwardness were Satan's words filtering in. He wanted me to feel that doubt so I wouldn't share my answered prayers and so I wouldn't feel like my prayers had actually been answered at all.

Don't Worry, I Didn't Quit (Day 43/44/45/46)

Remember when I said on Sunday I was getting better, well I wasn't. My mistake. I spent Monday re-watching all the movies I had the day before plus a few new ones. But it was nice; as nice as being sick can be.

On Tuesday it was back to the real world starting with an awesome aerobics class which actually made me sore. Then a successful painting critique. So far, so good. Next was work. I walking into the pool and was greeted with six new swimmers. I got a bit worried. But there was nothing to be worried about. All six, boys may I add, had quite a bit of talent so there was great improvement in the one practice. All the boys were outgoing and energetic but good listeners. It really made for a perfect combination.

Sick Day (Day 42)

I woke up this morning with my stomach in knots. I didn't know if it was something I ate last night or what but, when I stood up and almost passed out on my floor I knew exactly what was going on. When I traveled to Africa Summer 2010 I contracted malaria. Other than the week of exhaustion I consider a pretty awesome experience. I just consider myself someone who got the full experience. The only set back is the outbreaks that happen. Last year I had one that kept me down for a few days. With that one I thought I'd find myself in the hospital. I had a high fever, I couldn't even lift my head off my bed, but I had to so I could go throw up, and when I finally stopped throwing up I slept for a full fourteen hours without medication.

The Feeling of Success (Day 40/41)

Yesterday: This week I had the great privilege to teach children how to swim for charity. I was helping raise money for my church so they could buy a new and much needed bus and handicap van. The three children I taught were so precious. They rarely complained and were so willing to try new things. I will say it was extremely challenging teaching children how to swim on sort of a schedule. Most private lessons last at least five days and are an hour long. I had four days and thirty minutes. The most rewarding time of this week happened on the last ten minutes in my second lesson with a little girl named Marissa.