The Fear of Failure (Day 51)

I have this fear. The fear of failure. I believe that's why I run from things. I'm afraid I'll fail at them so I break ties. I've run from school, projects, design competitions, a variety of sports, friends, relationships, God, even myself. My eyes are tearing up at the realization that I think I have to be so perfect I would rather run away than fight. And you know what? In the end it's causes even more pain. The pain of failure would be a small percentage of the pain I've felt from running, from giving up. And I know I've hurt others in the process. I've left some people with so many questions because I was too afraid to try. Because trying meant failing until I got it right and that's something I can't let myself do.

The funny thing is I started writing this post to say I started working out again. I started doing one of the things I love the most. I haven't in awhile because I was afraid I'd fail. Today I got the courage to try again. But now tears are streaming and I've just realized how big this lie is. I've just realized how much it's hurt me. I've realized that Satan has been feeding this lie to me my entire life, saying that running would protect me while it really has only caused suffering. I've lost so many things, experiences, memories, because of this lie. Most I can never get back. I want to change this. I want to fail because failing is learning. But how do I not fear failing? How do I take the leap when I could land in a way that cripples me? My Father will be the one to guide me through my successes and failures. He will be the one who picks me back up, dusts the dirt off of me, and holds my hand down His path for me.

I don't want you to think that just because of those last two sentences I'm peachy again. I'm going to need prayer and I ask that you would spare a bit of time to do just that; to pray for me. I'm still in shock I've made this realization and that I've been so blind my entire life. I know I have many friends out there who love me and who will help. I thank God for you everyday.