My Rock (Day 97/98)

I don't know where to start. I'm combining these two blessings over the past two days because they all tie together. As I was driving up to Tulsa my mind was racing. So many things are unknown to me right now. It's been enough to bring me to tears multiple times. I feel like everything around me is unstable. There's nothing to hold on to. I thought coming to Tulsa would fix all of that. It's a place I feel so comfortable in. It's my home. But even it has been so different it's almost unrecognizable. I wanted to get to a place where I could grab on to some certainty but even after arriving I'm still juggling these emotions.

I guess this must be what most college graduates go through. How could we not. Our entire lives we've been attached someway to some sort of foundation; whether it be family, friends, or school. Now the foundation is gone. As Pull Ups says, "I'm a big kid now." Too bad I'm not saying it with as much enthusiasm as those tiny tikes.

What am I trying to get at here? This is really forcing me to depend on God. I literally have nothing to cling to. I don't know my future and it is so scary. I have to tell myself every hour to only worry about now. What is now, Katherine? My internship. Do you need to worry about the rest of your life? No. Will God provide for you? Yes. You are His beloved. He would never leave you. He showed you that by placing His perfect son on a cross just for you.

So why am I still so afraid? Why am I crying? Why am I not jumping up and down because of the excitement that I don't have to worry? I don't know. Hasn't He already given me the next step? Yes, my internship. But for some reason I'm still looking farther down the road which is still in shadow and I am terrified. And then at the same time I'm happy I'm in this situation. When the fear subsides for a few minutes I see the good in this. I see my dependence on God growing. If all I have to cling to is God then I must be in a pretty good place. I must be in the relationship He wants us all to be in; where we understand that nothing in this life is lasting or certain. But then as soon as those thoughts come to mind, the fear engulfs them and I'm back to where I was before.

Can I ask for prayers? To all my readers, please pray that my fear can be extinguished and I can regain my bravery. And if anyone has prayer requests of their own, please post a comment or send me an email/fb message. I really want to make this blog more than just me writing. I want to make it interactive in a way that I can help others. Thank you.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

- Joshua 1:9

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