I decided to look back on my time in Tulsa and line up all the blessing He's bestowed upon me since my arrival. That's when it hit me. I've been here for not even four months. It's been about three and a half actually, and at that moment I knew it needed to be a blog night. I needed to remember what I do have and stop rushing for the things I want. I'm feeling distant from Him because He's not making drastic changes to my life. I get like this quite a bit. I'm impatient and I'm finding I'm never really content with what I have. I'm always ready to move onto the next thing. That realization tonight about not being content hurt me. Deeply. It brought tears to my eyes. I don't want to be that person. How will I ever appreciate anything given to me if all I'm ready to do is move onto the next thing? Gosh, I hate admitting this to so many people. I'm putting myself in a very vulnerable place right now; a place that only a handful of friends ever get to see. I've been given so much in these four months but I still keep reaching for more. I want this to happen, I want that to move along. I'm sick of being here with this, I'm tired of having to do that.
As I was driving, I said a very timid prayer. I asked to be taught contentment. I said it softly hoping He wouldn't hear it, but at the same time knowing He would and that He would grant me that wish. Oh, I was terrified as the words came out of my mouth. If it's two things God knows I need help with, it's patience and contentment, and He knows that this stubborn woman will need a lot of teaching to get it through her thick skull. And that means I'm going to be going through a lot of lessons I don't want to have to sit through to learn this subject matter.
This doesn't mean I'm going to quit praying for the things I want. I still want to save up enough money to become an official coach with the ASCA, I still want to quit my other job, I still want to find another coaching job, I still want many things. What I mean is that in the meantime I can be content with what He's given me and where He has me. I can also be patient while in prayer knowing that my prayers might not be answered in just a few days, some might take weeks, some even years.
I ask that you pray for me if you have a spare moment. I can already tell these lessons won't be taught in just a few weeks. I'm going to need quite a bit of time until God has these flaws pruned. I ask for strength to keep going even when the task of learning these two important characteristics seems almost impossible.
Look, another "I told you so."
Thank you. For being vulnerable and saying this out loud. I am wanting, struggling, impatient, absolutely miserable with work. But you're right, contentment. Contentment in what God has given us TODAY.
ReplyDelete