I'm Still Learning

This isn't my best blog post but it's an excerpt from my journaling tonight. I'm finally finding some clarity in the confusion and realizing the chaos can be beautiful.

I talked to my advanced team about empathy today. It's something I want to work on as a coach and something I want my swimmers to work on. I want our team to put themselves in the shoes of the other athletes they work with and compete against. I feel like I really got through to them and I also told them I would start calling them out when they weren't empathetic towards others.

Thank You For Making Me Scared (Day 549)

Passion. Passion is what I've been searching for, longing for. Passionate people are the people who actually do something in this world. Being the "Good Christian Girl" isn't enough for me anymore. I want more and believe God does as well. Jesus' disciples weren't just good Christian men, they were crazy (at least in the world's eyes) and I want that because they knew the Truth and they knew His love. The thing about searching for this passion and calling out to Jesus for it has brought upon some of the scariest days of my life.

Through Faith (Day 547)

So I wish today I could say I drove to my first official day of work excited and ready to conqueror.. but sadly I was so nervous I almost threw up my egg omelet I forced myself to eat even though I didn't have an appetite (also from being nervous). I wish I could say that by halfway through the day I was calm again but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that when I got home and literally fell down on my couch and immediately fell asleep (probably because my body was so tired from all of the anxiety) and then woke up two hours later that I was good to go, but sadly I was not. What finally calmed me down was getting down on my knees and praying.

Call Me Out, Coach. (Day 537)

Taking a break from the world can be a good thing. I decided to take some time for myself every morning this week since I worked so many hours this weekend. The problem was as the days went on my morning time to myself rolled into my afternoons and then I became even worse and let it roll into time after practice in my evenings until bedtime. Well that was until today when I was called out for it.

Inside My Closet (Day 532)

I'm writing this one a little differently today. It's in the form of a prayer. A prayer of thanks. I used to be afraid of praying because I thought the words had to be perfect. When I realized all I had to do was close my eyes, realize it was just me and God, and speak through my heart, praying got a whole lot easier. And for some reason I don't feel like talking about the blessings is enough. My heart is overwhelmed with praise and the only way I can find to be the most true in my thankfulness is through an honest prayer. It's a little nerve-racking letting you see this side of me. It's a side I hide. It's a side only God gets to see. It's me at my most vulnerable. But I feel called to share it and if it's meant to bring Him glory and to bring people to Christ then I will do what needs to be done.

Wednesday to Saturday (Day 113-116)

It's been a few days, but this time it's thankfully not because my heart ran dry. I was just so busy praising God and trying to glorify Him through my life! I've been relishing in all of the crazy ways God has worked over the past few days as I've seen my path unfold before me.

Fortunes (Day 511/512)

Two days have past since my last post and both days have been surprising. I had my interview at Jenks High School yesterday. Honestly, I went in blind. I didn't really know what the job entailed, I just knew it was a position at the high school and that's where I wanted to be. It had the words media, computers, printing, and books in the description so I thought with my graphic design skills and my love of books I'd try it out. The worst that could happen is I would go in for an interview and they wouldn't like me. Well that didn't quite happen that way.

Harsh Realities? (Day 510)

Once again I was given the chance to mold my swimmers. These chances keep on popping up as if I've been in continuous prayer for them... (Hope you caught what I'm hinting at right there.)

What a Day (Day 509)

It's a good day when you bring a kid from tears to smiles. And it's a good day when you see a kid you've trained finally get that time she's been chasing after. And it's a really good day when you see your high schoolers come together and support something you want to start.

Questions (Day 507)

My normal routine is to write in my blog every evening but since most July 4th activities happen once the sun goes down I'm forced to write about yesterday today. After spending time in the Word I felt moved to pick up Forgotten God again. My questions were posed in the four chapters I read and they sent me on a journey I wasn't expecting to take.

Found My Heart (Day 506)

The first sentence of a blog post is always the hardest to find. It's the statement that keeps people or sends them on. Today I don't have a first sentence, I just have a message. It has been a month since I posted anything as you can tell by the previous date stamp. I could blame work, but what's the point, we all know if I really wanted to make time I would. This blog has sat idle for a month because the author's heart was idle. Really, it had been more than a month but I tried to keep up the passion I once had. It was when I found myself faking too many of the words I used to express about Jesus that I just decide to call it quits. The blog fell back into the recesses of my mind and after awhile I thought it was a lost cause.

Acts of Kindness (Day 449)

It was a dreadful day at the restaurant. I was upset with my coworkers, the guy I was training, and pretty much everything else. But just a few minutes ago as I was reflecting on my day with God, my heart was nudged by something I had done.

All We Have To Do Is Ask (Day 443)

Sometimes I find myself caught up in a difficult day and sometimes I just need to know I'm loved. Today turned out to be one of those days and as I was driving to work I asked God to show me He loved me. I know for a fact He does, I just wanted to see it today. I hoped for something that would hit the cords of my heart perfectly. I wanted that love letter that made me feel pursued. Whenever I ask Him for this sweet little gesture, I never know what to expect. Sometimes it's something simple like taking a backroad and seeing something unexpected, sometimes it's in an unexpected event that turns out in my favor, but most of the time it's words from another person. It's words you don't hear everyday. Ones that you didn't really know were true about you. God knows that I love to hear what He and others think about me and He gave me just that.

Let's Call Her "E" (Day 442)

I was told an interesting story a few weeks ago. There is a young girl I coach, let's call her "E". This year, E won many awards at our end of the year banquet. She has taken off and become quite the talented swimmer. She's one of my girls who is always smiling, always laughing, but always attentive and focused. Honestly, for her age she's a perfect pupil.

Deliverance (Day 439)

It's funny how fast things can change in eighteen days. It's funny how quickly a love can rekindle in one's heart. From the outside no one would recognize any difference. Circumstances haven't changed, nothing has changed, but at the same time something must have. Where along those eighteen days did The Lord of Heaven and Earth start molding my heart like a Potter molds his clay, I don't know? But I sense that warmth again. That desire to be only His. That feeling of having a captured soul is freeing. I belong to Him, I am His.

Being Human (Day 421)

Well today's blessing was unexpected. I laugh at myself for this one. I was given a book by a friend that  I've read here and there. My heart has been telling me to read it but once I get into my apartment I usually find something else I'd rather do. It's strange how I've been pulled to read it every day. As I'm doing those tasks that I think are more important, I keep remembering the book and how I should continue to read it. Today I finally picked it back up and right off the bat I realized what I was supposed to see.

Unchurched (Day 420)

Once again I find myself up way past my bedtime. I don't understand why I do this to myself. I enjoy going to bed around ten so why have I been staying up? Well, honestly I don't have an answer except maybe just a bad habit I'm forming. The only upside is tomorrow I don't work in the morning so instead of sleeping I'm writing in here.

Mindful Rest (Day 418)

I really don't have a good excuse at why I haven't written. I'm actually not as busy as I normally am.. at least with work. Now I'm just getting to catch up on all of the things I didn't get to do during swim season. My blessing for today, and really this week, is and has been stillness. I've had more time to just be still in the past week than I've had since I moved here.

I Dedicate This To.. (Day 408)

Excuse the absence again my dear friends. Spring break was a time for me to disconnect from the world for a bit. Who knows, this may be my last year to ever have one so I wanted to cherish the time off. It was much needed and it helped me think through some parts of my life.

I came home after my five days off and I was in a slump. There were many factors that caused it but the main reason was just not being able to understand why I am where I am. So today I decided to try something new at work. I decided to dedicate that day of working to someone. That way when it came time to do a task I wasn't looking forward to, I could remind myself I was doing this for them instead of myself. I'm not sure if you tick the same way as I do, but I am able to work much harder and with a better attitude if I know I'm working for another person. I enjoy serving people whom I care about.

Always, Always, Always (Day 399)

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. That is something I've learned over the years. Even if you have to force yourself to be thankful, it must be done.

I found myself once again crying this morning. I threw the sheets over my head, curled up into a ball, and wept. I have no shame saying that. The Bible said multiple times that Jesus wept. We are allowed to cry, I am allow to cry. My crying is never just mindless tears, they turn into prayers. Prayers for help, prayers of refuge, prayers of protection, relief, healing. Sometimes when I cry I actually figure out the real reason I'm hurting. I can blame it on many things but when I finally let my true emotions of pain come out in their purest form, when I stop trying to hold it together, I sense the real reason behind the sadness.