I love being happy. I love smiling. I love laughing. But one thing I don't love is fakeness. The facade that everything is ok, I'm just going to put on a happy face. I don't like when people are fake. I never have. I don't like when they will be the greatest buddies to someone until they leave the room. I don't like how people hide their emotions, their fears, their worries, their regrets, their struggles. I don't like when people aren't just upfront about things. Maybe that's why I've been so upfront with God. I don't want to be fake to Him. What's the point in hiding my true feelings, He already knows them! He lives within me. His Holy Spirit dwells inside. Do you think He can't figure us out? I am a believer in Christ Jesus so He lives in me.
I was raised in a family that was very upfront with each other. I've learned to speak my mind. It gets me in trouble sometimes. It makes me say things that I regret. It can even hurt others. I think that's also the reason why I feel bad a lot of the time. Why I feel guilty. Why when I pray I yell and scream when I'm upset and then thirty minutes later be crying because I hurt God. I feel guilty because I can't just put on a happy face (because I hate being fake) and accept things. All I want to be able to do is send genuine praises to my Father. I want to throw my head back and yell to the sky that I am blessed and loved and cherished by Him. I want to thank Him for everything and for the joy he's given me. But right now I can't honestly do that because I feel pain. I still give thanks but not in the way I want.
So right now my spiritual life is a constant roller coaster. Like I said, I'm yelling, then I feel guilty so I cry, then I give thanks, and then we start all over again. It's like being at Six Flags right before the park closes and not many people are there anymore so you get to ride The Titan five times in a row. (which I got to do one year) I have felt so horrible about my complaining. And then, during my wonderful Bible class, we came to the chapters in Jeremiah where he cries out to God. What?! A prophet?! Crying out to God? Shouldn't a prophet be better than that? Shouldn't Jeremiah know what's going to happen. I mean God does speak straight to him. God opens His mouth and uses it to talk to Jeremiah. I wish I could say I've gotten that type of conversation with God before. So if Jeremiah is complaining about his current situation then am I allowed to as well? What went through my head was, "Ok, let's see what God has to say back. He'll probably curse Jeremiah for his unbelief." But he didn't. He comforted him. If you don't believe me, read Jeremiah 12. And if you don't believe that go read the many Psalms of David when he was running from Saul.
God is great. He lets us complain. He allows us to come to Him and tell Him we don't like something. Dr. Youngblood stated this in class, "God's promise was to help Jeremiah endure, to keep him going. The cause of his problems are not as important and the purpose. There is a purpose for the pain. The real question is what God can do with it." Without even knowing it, my professor answered my many guilty prayers. I'm allowed to lament to God during times of pain. I don't have to feel guilty. The only time I should feel guilty is when I disobey my Father. Another thing he stated was, "You will not know what the power of God can do if you don't need the power of God to do it." Without this pain I wouldn't be finding the power of God. I wouldn't need it as much. I wouldn't know Him like I do now. I wouldn't be leaning so heavily on Him. I wouldn't be searching and running toward Him.
So today, my blessing is a huge one to me. My blessing is that Bible class, but it turned into so much more. It turned into God speaking to me, telling me it's ok to be upset. He can use me still.
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