So how come I feel like the only way to survive right now is to be vulnerable? Today started the first day of Seven. Seven is a seven week devotional series the college group puts on every summer. This year is about really getting out of our comfort zones and sharing the Word. So you can see why I wasn't up for it. If I put myself out there, let myself be vulnerable, then I could be rejected and I'm not ok with that. I'll admit that my heart was hard when I walked in those doors tonight. I was not into anything Dave was saying. I was so turned off I wanted to walk out. But I didn't, mostly out of fear of what others would say.
And here's another case of someone telling me to be vulnerable. Well, it's actually been every single one of my close friends who I share my life with, which are three people in Tulsa. I've talked about worries and issues and they've all said the same thing. My friend, Becca, put it best the other day while getting coffee. I told her I liked to seem strong so I would just run away. She countered that statement by saying the strongest people she knows are the ones putting themselves out there because it takes so much courage.
As I was driving home tonight from Seven, I started praying. I told God I was upset that I didn't know what the next few months would bring. I don't even have a slight hint. I don't know what Seven will be like, I don't know where I'll get a job, I don't know if I'll get a job, I don't know if God will allow me to stay in Tulsa, etc. I decided to make two mental lists: what I did know and what I didn't. As I made my lists scriptures came to my mind.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear... Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you"
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares theLord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
These were just three that came to mind. And then it hit me. All of these situations where I'll have to be vulnerable cannot just be coincidence. I think God is trying to tell me something. I believe He is really wanting me to put myself out there. Maybe break down some walls I've been building since I was in middle school. Only then can I be His true servant. I just wish it wasn't so scary. I would rather jump into shark infested waters than do this, and if you know how afraid of sharks I am then you would be surprised I just said that. I would rather bungee jump which is something I've told myself I would never do. One being afraid of heights and two being afraid of the rope breaking and falling to my death head first. These are two things I would rather do than be vulnerable.
So nonetheless, I'm terrified of this summer. Do I know that I'll look back and smile when I see how far I've come. Heck, I'm going to laugh out of sheer joy, but right now as I'm traveling down the road, I'm not excited.
This summer my word to live by is vulnerability. Please pray for me. I'm afraid many tears will be flowing this summer. I ask for comfort, strength, and perseverance.
No comments:
Post a Comment