Well for the past five months and really just in the last month it's been security. I want to feel like I'm not falling through this continual pit and the only thing to cling to is God and even then I'm slipping from His reach. I don't believe He'll ever really let me go but slipping is scary enough. I was asked another question. "When did you feel most secure?" I honestly don't know. I said in college but that wasn't good enough for them. Honestly I really don't know. Maybe when I went on a bike ride in January. I stopped at a park bench and was so content with being there. There was no talking, just sitting. It was easy and peaceful. I just kind of rambled for a minute hoping that something I would say would spark another question. I told them I felt like no matter how much God I got it wasn't enough. I sometimes walk around this pond by my house before heading to bed. It's usually late but I feel secure still. I can pray out loud and I'm never not honest with my Father. Sometimes I yell and I get angry. They asked to hear what I said to God. It seemed to take forever to figure out what I actually say to Him when I'm angry. And then the words came. They came fast and they came with much power. And then it was like I was alone in the room and all I was doing was yelling at my God. I forcefully stated, "Where the hell are you?! I've been like this for five months! I've studied my Bible and for the first time I can say I've read it all the way through so why do I feel this way?!! I'm sick of feeling like this! I know you're there but you're not actually doing anything!!"
More questions were asked and I honestly don't know what they were. All I knew was I was having a very hard time answering them because I honestly didn't know the answer. Tears were spilling and I didn't even care. I was then asked to stand in the middle of the circle and pray to God like I had just prayed. I was terrified. I don't like praying in front of people. I don't like having all eyes on me. My fears were getting the best of me but I gave in a found myself in the middle. I didn't stand though. I sat with my hands grasping my ankles tightly. And then the words, mixed with tears and a stuffed nose, came. "Father, I want peace. I want peace. I just want to feel secure. I know you're there. I know you won't let me go but I'm so tired of this. You gave me a verse. 'I waited patiently on the Lord, He turned to me and heard my cry.' So hear me! You told me you were going to stretch me and you have! But I'm terrified. Just give me something." I didn't know what to say after that so I just sat there.
Something strange happened though. I didn't want that bike ride anymore. I felt peace. God was talking to me through overwhelming peace. With my head in between my legs and my hands still clutched to my ankles I felt it. Peace is an indescribable feeling. You can't actually put words to it. To feel true peace is to feel God. I felt God.
A friend looked at me and wanted to give me some feedback. He told me, "Katherine, you don't need security. You need God. You just need to grow where you are." I looked over at another friend who had told me that a few weeks earlier. See, I've been afraid to take hold of this place. I've been afraid to stick my roots into the ground. What if God uproots me right when I start feeling comfortable? Well, I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities by doing that. And Dave was right. I don't need security. I drove away tonight believing that. I thought of the things I thought would make me secure; a job, an income, a relationship. But really those won't.
I might be in this storm for quite some time. I might feel like the boat is sinking, but my God won't give me more than I can handle. I thought I was relying on God before, but I was lying to myself. Now I see that my only security comes from Him as my Father and Jesus as my Savior. Wow that's a freeing feeling. And now that I know that, what can stop me? I'm feeling my tides are turning.
So this was it, huh? This is what you wanted me to see over the past five months. Well Father, never in my life can I honestly say I'm ok with being totally insecure. What can happen to me if You're with me?
And my blessing from Wednesday which actually occurred on Tuesday and sort of today was just talking with my aunt. I'm living with her right now and after talking with her a few hours on Tuesday I was feeling more positive about my near future even though my internship hasn't been all that great... but I'll probably explain that tomorrow. But anyways, I came home to a gift on my bed. It's a candle holder made by Willow Tree (those wooden figurines) with a woman praying on the front. On the inside it said Strength, Beauty, and Peace each day. And the quote on the card went perfectly with what happened tonight. It's an amazing feeling knowing I'm loved by so many people. I praise God for that because there are so many people in this world that feel alone.
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