Conqueror (Day 157)

I once again learned a lot about myself last night. I had a friend pull me aside and wanted to talk to me. A few minutes earlier we had been enjoying a nice post-church Braum's when he went noticed a lady in the corner who looked upset. This friend has a talent at seeing people like that. After going over and talking to her he found the problem and came over the our group to ask if we had any cough drops. No one did so I ran over to the gas station and bought her a bag. After my friend and I shared a prayer with the woman he told me what I did was amazing. I just shrugged it off. I didn't think buying $2 cough drops was that big of a deal. Throughout the night he kept on telling me the same thing, that it was amazing. I kept on giving him the same answer. As we were all leaving he asked if I wanted to go to Sonic to talk about a design project he would like me to do. I agreed and didn't realize what I was getting myself into.

I pulled into the parking lot thinking we would just catch up a bit, talk about the project, and then move on. Little did I realize the project was just a way to get me alone so he could talk to me about the woman. I'm going to just talk about the highlights because it was a three hour conversation and I would be writing until lunch if I didn't. He asked me if I was able to except love from people. He told me that not once did I just say thank you when he called what I did amazing. Honestly, until he said that I didn't realized I hadn't and his question was just a way to get me thinking. He already knew the answer was no, he just wanted me to see it.

I started opening up to him and telling him about my upside down world and how I got there. I told him the story about the two girls and how they told me God was stretching me (Don't Take My Couch Day 7). I told him about my breakup, what my boss said to me, me wanting to run to a different city, finding my place in this church, searching for healing. I told you this guy has a talent at seeing what people are really going through. I went to have a small chat about a web banner and it turned into pretty much a therapy session.

He told me so many things but there were two that stuck out the most. The first was I need to learn to accept love from my friends. I need to stop looking at what I'm doing as insignificant. I have a tendency to think if it isn't huge it isn't good enough. Those might of only been $2 cough drops but it was the thought behind it that meant something to that woman. It was that someone cared for her and didn't just ignore her in that corner. It's still hard to admit that what I did was a big deal, or even a deal at all, but that's why I need to work on these things.

Another thing he noticed about me is that I'm a conqueror. I conquer tasks that are given to me. I succeed at what I do. I enjoy succeeding. Right now I'm not conquering and it's turning my world upside down. There are three things in my life I don't want to fail at. One being my job, the other being a romantic relationship/marriage, the last raising my children. I don't care for many things is this world but I pray to God that He bless me with those. Right now raising my kids is out of the picture since I don't have any, but the others are there. When my relationship failed I took it personally. I felt like a failure. And when my boss told me I was unimpressive and had no passion I felt like I had failed. I'm so terrified of failing again that I'm closing myself off. I'm not being open, I'm not being honest. I'm just letting myself stay stuck in this "safe place". Well, a conqueror can't conquer if they are safe. And that's exactly what he told me. He told me that if I went out there and took what I wanted I might not succeed every time, but if I stayed in my safe place I would fail every time.

I even used God as an excuse. I told him I was waiting on the Lord. He caught that it was an excuse right off the bat. There is a time for praying and there is a time for doing. I've prayed and I shouldn't stop praying but now I'm using it as a crutch. I'm actually only praying hoping God will do all the work. That isn't how it's always done. I do believe there are times where that is the case but this isn't one of them. I can't believe I'm actually using prayer as something to hide behind. Letting that be the excuse why I'm not moving forward in my life. Ugh, it really irks me. So that's it, I'm conquering again. I'm not going to sit back and wait for the most perfect moment to do something. I'm taking charge, praying as I do it, and asking God to direct me in my decisions. If He doesn't want it done, it won't happen. But I'm sick of being stuck, I'm sick of being safe.

I think another way God stretched me was by letting my world be turned upside down so I would get to this point where I'm not going to let fear get in the way. Well, I get it now and I want things to change. I just hope God and I are on the same page.