Who knew this would of taken five months to get me ready for this. I didn't. And who knew it would be this. I didn't. Because I didn't know I was this broken. I thought I was doing great. I believed I actually had a lot of things figured out and that I wasn't carrying around all of this baggage.
Ok, I'll elaborate a bit. Before the afternoon session started at the conference I made a comment about all the people engaged. It was a snarky comment and it was answered by a friend. We'll call this friend Caroline since I didn't ask her permission if I could write about her. Caroline told me she had heard a lot of comments coming from me that were hateful. She didn't mean this weekend, she meant since being in Tulsa. It's true, I'm guilty of it. She told me that the reason she had seen them was because she had been the same way very recently. Then she proceeded to tell me I was constantly looking for acceptance.. which is again true. Guilty of that as well. And here is where I started talking.
I am bitter. I'm extremely happy for my friends who are happy. But I'm bitter about myself and my failures. I'm also in constant fear of my friends getting sick of dealing with me. I've been hurting this whole time I've been in Tulsa and they've seen me hurt and they've seen me cry. How long until they decide it's too tiring to deal with? I'm afraid of getting left by everybody I know except my parents and brother. Since I'm afraid of abandonment I look for affirmations constantly. I look for acceptance, praises, and compliments. I've been trying to be filled by others.
I realized this part after deeper thought on the car ride home. You know why I have these fears? Well since kindergarden I was the runt of my friends. I was kept around but always picked on. People called my group of friends the little bitches. Yep, kindergardeners. I was associated with those girls but I was the one always coming home crying because of something one of my "friends" said. Just an fyi; I still know a few of those girls and the ones I know are beautiful women who have wonderful spirits. Then when I moved, it didn't change. Same girls, different faces. This constant picking caused me to desire nothing more than acceptance. And then of course, as a girl gets older, she wants to be accepted by the male gender. That also didn't seem to work in my favor. I was always getting looked past which caused me to try harder. Thankfully I never sunk low enough to trade my body for "love" which meant never achieving that acceptance. And then in eighth grade my worst nightmare became a reality. All of those friends dumped me. It fed my fear of being abandoned. Actually that's probably where that fear started, but anyways, I knew then I couldn't trust people to stay.
In high school I never let people get too close. I jumped from group to group, never having close friends. I swam which helped occupy my time. Not until my senior year did I start letting people in. I actually made friends with one group and stuck with them. I hung out with them outside of school. I learned I was actually an outgoing person and I enjoyed friends and being out. But I still only let them get a foot in the door and that was about it.
Then college hit. I thought I was better. I was confident and outgoing. Well, at least I thought. Except when I tried to get in a club (what my school considered sororities/fraternities for those who don't know Harding) and I didn't believe they would like the real me so I put up a front. And when I didn't believe I was good enough for the people I considered the popular ones. And when I closed myself off so people couldn't see the real me. My confidence fell because I acted like that and in turn pushed those people away. It wasn't until the summer before my senior year when I really started seeing a difference. I realized people actually liked me for me. I started to let those walls down. I let people in. I started to believe I was talented, smart, kind, outgoing, pretty. Then things changed. The things that brought on this blog. My confidence fell again but not as far this time. And by now I believe those things again. But I still don't believe people won't leave me. I don't believe my friends will love me when I'm going through months of struggles. I don't believe I'm good enough for a man to love because every relationship has failed, even the one I actually wanted to last.
It's put me in a weird place. My friends can know everything going on in my life but I still haven't let them all the way in. I don't even really know what that means because I've never let someone in that far. And this whole time I thought I had been letting them in. I was blind to the fact that I didn't. Same with relationships. I didn't let them in for fear of them leaving me and them having so much of me I could never get it back. For them to know that much of my soul was terrifying and impossible for me to give.
Well, after talking to Caroline, I want all of this to change. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be chained up in these lies. I want freedom. I want to accept myself. I want to get affirmation from God. I want to let people see the deepest parts of my soul. I want to be able to let a man really know me. I want to be able to accept love and know it's real.
I wrote this prayer to God on the way home. It's in a contract form and I signed the bottom of it.
Man, when You said You were going to stretch me this isn't what I thought you meant. But when do I ever get it right the first time. I'm not upset that this was your purpose. After talking to Caroline I see how broken I am but I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to accept myself, how to feel like I won't be abandoned, how to ever be well enough to be in a healthy relationship. Father, I know right now I want to be healed. Badly. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to feel good about myself. I'm willing to lose friends, family, security. I know it's going to be hard but you'll provide. I understand I might be jobless, technically homeless, and very insecure. You might move me far away from everything I know. But Father, I'm serious about not wanting to be stuck in this bondage anymore. I want freedom. I know it might take years and I'm really scared about that but I know it's now or live with this longer. I don't want that. I need saving now. I just ask two things: that You open the doors so I can be fixed and that You watch over me while I don't have the security I desire.
That prayer wasn't meant to be dramatic. Do I really think I will be jobless, homeless, insecure, that my family and friends will disown me? No. I just wanted God to know I was that serious in my plea. I want to be free in Jesus and I'm willing to give up all earthly possessions for that freedom.
Last thing before this incredibly long post is over. I ask for constant prayer. I know I want to take this step but I don't know what to do. I need God to reveal that. I also need guidance the entire way. I need love and support because this isn't going to be fun. I know the people reading this love me and want this freedom for me. And I know you will shower me with your prayers during this time. Thank you. Relationships are my greatest treasures and I can honestly say I love everyone of you.
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