So great day right? Well as I drove the two miles home I started having a mental breakdown and by the time I was outside my house I was balling as I prayed to God. If you've been reading since at least day 7 (Don't Take My Couch) you know that God specifically told me He would be stretching me.. if you haven't read it, I would recommend it since I literally had two profits come talk to me. I'll even make it easy for you. Here's a link.
If you don't know me that well then you don't know how amazing of a summer I had last year. I was 100% positive that Tulsa was where God wanted me. I had never been bombarded with that many blessings. So as I was praying, I was asking God why the heck I got those blessing last summer when my faith really wasn't that strong, but now that I couldn't live without my faith I felt like everything was fragile and unknown. I thought God had really set me up for a very promising life that I couldn't even ever imagine having. I left with the most spiritually uplifting church, an incredibly strong bond with friends, a job offer from my internship, and a new relationship.
This summer started off with that same church, with the same friends (thank heavens!) but no relationship and an upsetting end to an internship. And now with only two days left of that internship I'm having to process the fact of finding a job. There's reason number two I was balling. Last summer I felt so sure that Tulsa was going to be my home for at least a few years, but with the way this summer is going I'm not sure what He wants me to do.
So as I'm balling I remember what He told me back in February, "I'm stretching you." Well, in my head I'm done with stretching. I've learned all I can in this time and now I deserve blessings. Sounds selfish right? Well you have God stretch you for five months and you see if you're thinking the same thing. By this point my attitude started to change and I thought of all the things I'm living without (that I had last summer) are just more ways He's stretching me. This internship is somehow stretching me, not being in that relationship is somehow stretching me, feeling unsure about Tulsa is, once again, somehow stretching me.
As I thought about it that way I started to look back on all the things I have learned. I've learned that my only sure things is Him (and thank goodness that is an absolute fact). I've learned I am a lot more resilient than I ever thought. I've even recently learned that not knowing where He's taking me doesn't mean I'm not on the path. But really, I think the biggest thing I've learned through all of this is how much confidence I lacked. Warning: if you don't want to hear me go on about myself then quit reading now. Otherwise I'm going to actually show my confident side, not cocky, look at me side, but my sheer confidence I've somehow acquired through this.
I can honestly say these things about myself now: I am a beautiful woman both on the inside and out. God has blessed me with a pretty face, long shiny hair, and a small frame. He's also given me a fun, kind, outgoing spirit that is good at capturing people's attention. Before I thought of myself as an introvert, but that was just me being too afraid people wouldn't like me. He has also made me strong enough to not care what people think when it comes to activities I'm not a master at. An example would be today when I was asked to play ultimate frisbee. I wasn't nervous at all about what I looked like and because of that I think I did a pretty good job. Before, if I didn't know I would succeed I didn't participate. Not anymore, and that is so freeing! Another things is my design. I took a few steps back after hearing what my boss had to say but I still can see my design as something worth looking at. I feel more confident in my abilities and I know my level of talent, God given of course, is far beyond many. And lastly, I am a God fearing woman. I'm turning into a woman after God's own heart. I'm still not where I want to be, but hey, no one is until they reach heaven. I can still always get closer, but finally I can say what I think He's always wanted to hear from my lips. I love my Lord, my God, my Father, my Ancient of Days, my Almighty, my Alpha, my Omega, my Beginning, my End, and I will love Him for all eternity. Nothing will separate me from His love. Satan cannot win this heart over, not anymore.
So that's how my tearfest turned into a pretty good examination of myself and how I've grown from all of this stretching. And I can pray a pretty scary prayer tonight: "Father, keep on stretching."
No comments:
Post a Comment