The Art of Talking (Day 18)

Well today is going to seem like a small one to most people but if you know me well then you know I'm horrible when it comes to talking on the phone. They say communication is 80% non verbal and the way I communicate fits that mold. I need to see someones face to know what they are truly saying. One example being silence. Silence over the phone, in my head, means someone's angry when it really could just mean they're thinking. Facial features play such a big role in how I react. If I don't hear enough tonal reflections then I clam up and don't talk. I get nervous and that's the end of the conversation. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to either, whether it be my mom or a customer service agent. I dread long conversations on the phone. Also, the moment someone says hello I forget everything I was going to say. I could have slews to talk about, many moments I wanted to share, but then they're gone in a flash. I have to force myself to come up with topics and that makes me feel uncomfortable so then I freeze up and really can't think of anything to say. It's really quite sad. I would avoid having a phone at all if it wasn't such a necessity now.

She's Been There (Day 17)

This week's been a roller coaster of emotions. Since Saturday I've been up and down and just wanting it to stop. School, work, personal life; they're all taking a toll on me this week. What makes it worse is Jesus Calling is telling me to take it one day at a time. I'm not good at that! Today I really set a goal to take this day just as this day and was actually succeeding until one little event. I don't even know how to explain what thoughts and emotions went through my head because they were all over the place. I felt peace then fear then pain then happiness then whatever else. Usually I would go out with friends and get my mind off of it and then talk with God about it later. That seems to work really well. But since it's midterms week and the tests and projects are pilled up to my ears I can't just get away. I have to actually sit down and study. I had to turn down plans and because of my stress I did it quite rudely and I did it to a person that loves me the most. Once I realized I was short, I apologized and told her the reason for my abrupt no. Being the wonderful friend she is, she forgave me.

Soak it In, Please (Day 16)

When you decide to attend Harding University you sign up for quite a few things most universities don't require or even provide. The two that students complain the most about are chapel and Bible classes. And honestly, before this year and really this semester, I was one of the many. Chapel just took up an hour I could be sleeping, studying, or taking another class. I mean who wants to stand up at 9:00AM to sing a few songs, and who wants to sit around and get a lecture. And Bible was something I didn't need in my career and it took so much time and energy. Out of all the classes to lower my GPA, my Bible classes were the ones to do it. Now that I have two months left, I see things differently.

Harding was one of a few colleges I had looked at and it was last on my list. I had applied to some big art schools and been accepted with scholarship but something pulled me towards Harding, unwillingly I might add. I didn't want to attend a school that gave me a curfew, that didn't allow men in my dorm, that made me attend chapel everyday of the year, that made me take 16 hours of Bible. I wanted to have fun, to be a normal college student who spent four years partying. It brings me to tears, those spiritual tears I've talked about before, to say I was that way. If I had attended a state or art school I would be agnostic by now. I would of been agnostic the moment I got there.

Room 211 (Day 15)

Hate to be a negative Nancy here but of all the classes I've taken at Harding I can honestly say painting is my least favorite. It takes so much time to paint and it never looks as good as I would like. The brush smears the paint in all different directions and you can never achieve a thin line. Blending is a pain because the colors streak unless you use just the right pressure. Waiting for things to dry takes literally days. Then on top of that it's still lives and realism. There isn't any emotion in the strokes, no spice. But I loathe going into that room the most because I always think too much. Over-think actually, like overanalyze my entire life and spin myself into a downward spiral. Painting isn't good for my psyche. That seems really weird since most people use art as a way to calm themselves, but for someone who spends their life creating, it actually can have negative effects. I'm one of those. When I do any kind of art (other than design) I only use the left side of my brain. Well, since I'm a creative, the left side is lonely and creates this wild world. Don't ask me why it's negative, it just is. I don't find enjoyment from sitting in a place for too long and looking at the same objects. Maybe that's why, I really don't know. But for whatever reason painting brings out the worst in me.

Failed Again (Day 13/14)

Well I did it again. I thought nothing was good enough to write about. You know what that means? I'm giving God a slap in the face. I'm saying "Father, I don't love the gifts You give me. I want something better." And honestly I know he gave me gifts yesterday. I've been writing them down. To the date I have 326. Some are too personal to tell, some are too strange for anyone to understand. Why do I keep telling myself that these gifts aren't important enough to share, to exclaim to the world how amazing my God is! Because He is amazing. No matter what someone may think, my Father is my rock, my shelter, my comforter, my peace. He's the air I breathe, the light that shines and warms my face. I refuse to stay down after failing again. So to make up for my yesterday I will tell two blessings.

Opened Windows, Opened Doors (Day 11/12)

I have a confession. I'm not good at this. I might put up the front that I'm great at finding God's blessings in my life but I know I miss so many along the way. I also feel like to keep people's attention I have to blow them away every time I post. Last night I remembered after I decided to not write that this isn't for others, this is for me. I don't need the world to hear me for this to be important. It's nice that there are people who care enough to listen but I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this to better my relationship with my Father. This is a way of thanking Him. I want to publicly say thank you. Well when I figured this out I had been laying in bed for two hours, from 11:30 to 1:30, and I couldn't muster the the energy to get up and write anything. So today and yesterday are going to be the same blessing because I don't think God gives you a blessing only once.

The Day THEY Came! (Day 10)

Finally, the day I've been waiting for! NEEDTOBREATHE finally came to my school! They have been my favorite band for such a long time and after they toured with Taylor Swift I was afraid their ticket prices would skyrocket and my dream of seeing them play would evaporate. Well, the wonderful people at CAB somehow booked them at my school! And their concert was wonderful. They are so much better in person. I never imagined being that close to them while they played songs that I've listened to for so long. And on top of that they have Christian undertones to all of there songs so the whole time I felt like I was worshiping! This post is really short because I don't really know how to explained how I feel right now. Also I have quite a bit of homework to do. But they did an amazing job and really lifted my spirits for the night. Thank you so much for that!

Lights in the Dark (Day 9)

I'm really going to back track here. All the way back to seven months ago, because this is my favorite memory of all time. Think of what you see God in most. What objects move you and put you at awe? There has to be something. Mine are the stars. Anything that reminds me of stars can send me into a trance. Those tiny lights so far up that dot the black of night are mesmerizing to me. The beauty I see in them is no where else to be found and when it's a clear night without the pollution of city lights I am at my  happiest. I know He's there among those stars looking down at me just as they are. Stars are a mystery to me and that mystery draws me in so tight that I can't help but stare.

How do I choose?! (Day 8)

Friday I was supposed to have that interview. If you didn't read day seven, I had a scheduled interview with a publishing company in Tulsa for an internship. They called asking if they could reschedule and I was a little frustrated. But if you did read day seven you learned that everything worked out. Well, more happened that night. Being the type of person I am I didn't just email one company inquiring about an internship. I actually emailed seven. I've heard back from most of them and their answers have been along the lines of "we're impressed with your work but we can't support an intern this summer." So when this company wanted an interview I jumped for joy. But back to my point. I received an email from the first company I ever contacted saying they wanted me to come up March 1st. They wanted to get to know me and show me around the office. I expect it to be an interview and when I asked if another time would be ok since March 1st was a Thursday and I had midterms that week, the lady exclaimed that it was more than fine. They just wanted me to come up so they could "just offer me the position and go from there." Wait? Did I read that correctly? They wanted to just hand over the job, no interview, no nothing? And this happened the same day that I was supposed to have an interview with another company?

Don't Take My Couch (Day 7)

Yesterday I was supposed to have my interview for my possible internship. It got rescheduled. I was a little upset since I could of gone to Midnight Oil before work if I had known it wouldn't of happened. I didn't really understand why they waited so long to tell me. I mean thirty minutes after our scheduled interview they finally called me and told me they needed to reschedule. Well I went to work and decided I would just head over to MO after. I love being at Midnight Oil. Today I decided to just dive into the gospel of John and hopefully learn something. I came across the passage "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me." (John 11:41-42) It struck me so I highlighted.

My 30 Kids (Day 6)

Yes, that's right. I have many children. I was born and raised in Dallas, TX where I gained my love for swimming and all things water. I started coaching swimming when I was 14. After moving to Searcy I kept up my coaching by working with the CATS program and the Searcy Sharks. I love kids. I just love being around them and coaching gave me a way to have thirty of them. I don't consider myself just a coach. I hope that my swimmer don't only learn how to be good athletes but that I teach them how to self-motivate, work as a team, and learn to respect others. I hope I'm a mentor to them. I hope they know they can trust me and think of me as a role model.

Mobility (Day 5)

This is sad to say but my most favorite class this semester is aerobics. It has nothing to do with my major, it won't help me with my career. I'm only taking it because I needed another credit to graduate and didn't want homework. But it's turned into my favorite class. It's not like I signed up thinking I would hate it. I love working out. I thrive on sweat. I just didn't think this class would really be intense enough for me. Well today it was intense. Maybe it's because the room was at 80 degrees or maybe it was because my breakfast consisted of only a piece of toast and half a serving of peanut butter, but no matter what, I was tired after. I mean the tired where you are disgusted by any food for the next hour. The tired where you don't want to shower because you can't lift your arms above your head. I love that type of tired. I feel accomplished when hours later I can tell my muscles are still trying to catch up with me.

Birthdays (Day 4)

They only come once a year, birthdays. Now that's I'm 22 I'm not really all that excited for my birthday. I'm just getting older now. There aren't anymore milestones for awhile. But nonetheless it is still my birthday. My blessing for today isn't my birthday though, it's my parents. The two that gave me life. My parents have shaped who I am today. They have taught me to be driven and to not give up. I am strong because the of wisdom my parents gave me. From my mom I got my timeliness, my spunk, my temper (sorry mom), my boldness. From my dad I got my love for nature and animals, my gentle spirit, my caring nature, my tend to worry (sorry dad) for others. Both sets of characteristics have made me who I am and even though I know I'm not perfect, I love myself. They also taught me to do just that, love myself. To know that I am good enough and that people's sly comments should not kill my spirit. They are only lies, God made me how He wanted me. They have given me this weird personality where I can be very blunt but still do it out of love. They have made me logical but emotional at the same time. If I have a question I go find the answer for myself. The characteristics they've given me have made me very independent, so independent where I'm excited to do something new even if I have no one with me. Moving to a new city where I know no one is enticing, walking into a CoC alone for the first time isn't scary to me. Those are just ways to meet new people. I've also been known to pick up stray animals and bring them home. :) Like the one time I went for a run and found a dog laying in the middle of the road (he wasn't dead, just laying there). I took him home, my parents thrilled, put up signs around the neighborhood, and in a few hours the family called.

Answered Prayers (Day 3)

I'm guessing that many of you are like me in that when God sends rough waters your way you ask why. As, I've mentioned before I haven't just been asking why recently, but I've been complaining to my Father. I sometimes just have a very hard time accepting His plans. I don't see the bigger picture, I just see the pain. Pain and suffering are not things that humans enjoy. I don't really mind pain when I'm pushing through an intense workout. The motto "pain is weakness leaving the body" is something I live by when I'm getting my sweat on. I usually refuse pain medication of any kind when something is hurting. Physical pain, bring it on, it only hurts for a moment. Emotional pain, yeah that's a different story.

The Wrong Way (Day 2)

This blessing actually happened Sunday coming back from church. I was with my family and my parents were with me. For some reason my dad refuses to let me drive even though I know the roads of Searcy so much better than him. I guess I gave him confusing directions because he pulled out of the Downtown CoC parking lot and headed down a road I had actually never been on. I had always crossed right over that road on many of my early morning, pavement pounding, runs and was always intrigued by it, but until now I had never actually been on it.

Planning for what? (Day 1)

I am one with my planner. My planner is the oxygen to my lungs, the blood to my heart, the electricity to my brain. Honestly, I'm so OCD when it comes to planning that when I found a planner that scheduled everyday of the week into fifteen minutes increments I let out a little shriek. I would get to Wednesday of the current week and start filling out my schedule for the next. Heck, my entire semester is pretty much planned. I know when every test is, every due date for a project, every tiny reading assignment. I've planned things out like I was God. And like I knew the exact hours I would be able to complete a homework assignment and the exact amount of time it would take. Now, my planner has saved me in times where I almost forgot a meeting, interview, even test. But I've come to realize my extreme planning wasn't because I was afraid of forgetting something, it was my fear of the unknown. I cringe at the fact that I don't know what will happen to me starting in the next few months. Anxiety builds and God falls to the back of my mind. If I can't plan every second of my day I feel like I'm lost. And don't even get me started with how I feel when plans change.