The first question was, "What fears do you have about the Holy Spirit?" Chan told us to take some time and really reflect on that question. I decided to dedicate thirty minutes to write about my fears in my journal and it wasn't but thirty seconds into that allotted time that my pen was flying across the page. Fears I never even knew I had came spilling out. Everything from my desires in life not coming true, to falling away because God never showed up, to having the Spirit but still doing everything wrong. The page was full of crippling fears and saying them out loud tortured me. The worst fear I had was after realizing how fearful I actually was of the Spirit. I wrote, "I'm saying I want it, but them my heart really isn't willing. How do I change my heart? How does one change their heart when their mind is trying to keep them safe?" That fear knocked me on my face. Did I really believe that? I'm afraid I did. I prayed and then sent a picture of the page to a dear friend and asked her to read it and pray for me. And then I kept reading even though I thought of giving up hope.
My eyes came to a sentence, "The Spirit brings us life and freedom." Hmm.. freedom. What is fear? If I'm crippled by my fear, am I really free? No, I'm a slave to it. And if the Spirit brings freedom then what is there to fear? I prayed about that sentence and asked God to help me move past fear. I asked Him to not let my mind try to control what my heart wanted.
Then he asked another question, "Why do you want the Spirit? For you or for God?" Asking myself this question also terrified me. Remember in Acts 8 when Simon the magician asked if he could buy the Spirit for money so he could harvest the Spirit's power? Chan was so bold to say that anyone who wanted the Spirit for their own benefit was just like this man. I thought to myself, "what if that's the reason I want the Spirit and just don't know it?" Oh the strength it took to start writing that time. The thought of being like that man who was told had no part in this ministry, who would perish with his money, and who's heart was not right before God (8:20, 21) made me freeze in fear. The words started forming on the page very slowly until I realized if I wanted the Spirit for myself then why would I have all of those fears about asking for Him? If it was for me then I wouldn't be worried about my life changing. I would think I could manipulate the Spirit for my personal will.
I took a shower where I played worship music and prayed. I found myself moved to tears because of the unbelievers that would come to know Christ as I did if invited Him in, if I let Him change me. That made it clear to me that I didn't want Him for my glory, but for the glory of God. What a relief that was. For once it seemed as if my heart was in the right place.
And once last thing, the thing that really uplifted me, was the question, "Did God lead you where you are?" I've struggled with that one from the moment I made the decision to move to Tulsa. If you were reading this blog back in August you know I had an opportunity to go to Amarillo, TX to work at a children's home. I accepted the job but just wasn't sure if I really wanted to leave Tulsa; the place where I had made many friends and had built up a life. I wrestled with whether my fear was the Spirit telling me to not go or if it was me fearing the unknown. Finally, the prayer was answered when the job fell through. I was hired almost right after by Jenks and I picked up and moved. Still though, in the back of my mind, I worried that I was doing this out of selfish ambition and that if I had tried harder the job would have stayed available in Amarillo and I would be where God actually wanted me. So if you do the math, I've been struggling with that thought for eight months now.. Until yesterday.
Once again Chan asked questions. "If you say you are called to be in the place you are.., how would you be missed if you left this place? What would change? Basically, what difference does your presence here make?" Then it really hit home. "If you are a coach, what sort of influence do you have on your team? What about other coaches you interact with?" Bam. God put that sentence in that book because He knew one day I'd read it. All of that doubt of not being where God has called me to be, left. Immediately. I've thought of the multiple times I've had a kid come to me upset, hurting, disappointed, lost, wondering if they should keep going, and that's when I knew I was in the right place. Just last night I was encouraging one of my high schoolers who needed to hear a little bit of the struggles I went through last year so she could see the hope she had. I finished our conversation by saying, "I wouldn't be your coach if that hadn't happened. That's enough reason for me to be thankful."
I hope to think that if I left, the team wouldn't be the same. I say that out of humility and not pride. I say that because the only way I've led this team is through the strength of Christ. There have been so many days where I had no idea what I was doing. I've felt like a child lost in a Walmart Supercenter before, not sure where to go, what to do, what to say. And somehow I still feel like things are going ok. That can only be because the Spirit has empowered me.
So last night I went off to go watch some fireworks in a pretty cheerful mood. Many of my fears had been quenched, my motives had been made clear and they seemed pure, and my calling seemed to line up with God's. Now, all I can do is keep praying for the chains of fear that bind me to be broken so that I can live fully in the Spirit and He can guide every step I take.
Oh, and if you'd like to follow me on twitter: @katkilpat
No comments:
Post a Comment