Inside My Closet (Day 532)

I'm writing this one a little differently today. It's in the form of a prayer. A prayer of thanks. I used to be afraid of praying because I thought the words had to be perfect. When I realized all I had to do was close my eyes, realize it was just me and God, and speak through my heart, praying got a whole lot easier. And for some reason I don't feel like talking about the blessings is enough. My heart is overwhelmed with praise and the only way I can find to be the most true in my thankfulness is through an honest prayer. It's a little nerve-racking letting you see this side of me. It's a side I hide. It's a side only God gets to see. It's me at my most vulnerable. But I feel called to share it and if it's meant to bring Him glory and to bring people to Christ then I will do what needs to be done.

Father,

Where do I start? The path you have given light to in recent weeks has been amazing. I look back at my life a year ago and I laugh. The plans I had were so small compared to the ones You had for me. You first blessed me with my job as a coach. Father, I'm in tears with that blessing. Those kids. Those beautiful kids that I got spend my entire weekend with and watch them compete with such dignity. Why did you give me such a wonderful set of swimmers? They were by far the best teammates in that pool. They held themselves with such grace and to a higher moral standard. I saw others teams cursing when they lost races, but mine kept their dignity by realizing it's not all about winning. They enjoyed each other and became better friends. They cheered each other on. I saw them stay after the meet was over to spur on one of their swimmers who was told he couldn't swim because he had aged up two days before the meet and didn't have the times anymore. I watched from across the pool as some of my most decorated athletes encouraged what the world would consider my least. What type of team is that?! That is one who realizes it's not all about the banners, trophies, medals. Father, thank You! Thank You for giving me the strength to lead this team, to teach them, to mold them. Thank You for trusting me with their young hearts and souls. Thank You for the countless times I got to talk about You with them this weekend and when I got to write I AM SECOND across their arms. And thank You for the success of that team. Jenks is a place like nowhere else and I am proud to call myself part of the family. But I know that without You I wouldn't be able to say that. You are the one who placed me here. You are the one who gave me all of this. Thank you so much for all the happiness I've experienced over the past nine months. Nothing is better than seeing those little faces everyday. One day I hope they realize how this sport will prepare them for their walk with You. I see comparisons of swimming and faith everyday and can't wait for them to see it as well. I don't want to stop praising You! You deserve every moment of my life, You deserve to be glorified by me for all eternity!

And then just six months ago I was telling people I would never teach. I didn't think I could do it, I didn't think it was something I wanted. But You were there slowly working on my heart. You gave me this spark in my soul one day to work with high schoolers. It grew so forcefully in one weeks time that I found myself applying for positions at the high school. I had no idea what was going to happen. I got an interview, they loved me but wanted to send me to a different position. I applied for that one, they cut the funding for it but sent me to a different position. I applied for it, interviewed, and not 24 hours later had a job! Oh how wonderful You are! You took my meager attempt to get a job at the school and put me in the exact position You wanted me in. And when I got to talk to the principal, You gave me a chance to talk about my faith and You also had him let me know that this was the last position in the entire high school that needed to be filled! Praise You!! Because of the way this all came together I know it wasn't my doing, but Yours! You have blessed me more than I could ever imagine. Your ways are so perfect and Your love for me is beyond words. I know the Holy Spirit will take this song my heart is singing right now and bring You words that glorify You more than I could ever imagine.

And then with the Bible study you laid on my heart to do with my high school girls. You know only a week ago I was in tears because I didn't think they cared. Well, on Wednesday You crushed that fear. You took over and those girls got a taste of Your love. You used me to speak to them. After I had finished I couldn't believe the words I had said. And the way You opened up their hearts to those words! They were filled with Your Spirit. They wanted more and ever since that day I've started seeing changes in them. I praise You for giving me so much encouragement over the past few weeks. You know that I've been upset with this world that shuts their eyes to You and that I wanted to give up, but You didn't let me. PRAISE YOU FOR THAT!! I never want to stop loving the people You love which means I never want to stop loving every single person on this planet! Thank You, thank You, thank You for the heart You've given me! And thank You for the the people You've put in my life to help me realize just how important I am. Because of You I feel as if I'm making a difference. You are allowing me to influence the people around me and I praise You for that! I thank You for the responsibilities You've put in my life and how You keep pushing me to make me more like Your son.

Father, I don't want to stop this praise. You have helped edify my faith, You have shown me how much I mean to You. Those were also prayers I had been saying for the past few weeks. I pray that the people who read this blog will know You as I do. Actually, I hope they will come to know You better than I do! I want every person I come in contact with, whether in life or through this blog, to know Your perfect love. I want them to know how You really are all they need. I want them to feel that love during heartbreak, that joy during upset, that peace during struggles, that patience during restlessness, that kindness in a dark world, that goodness when they are surrounded by bad, that faithfulness when they feel betrayed by everyone they know, that gentleness in a fast paced and harsh society, and that self-control when the world tells them to give in. Don't let them think I have it all put together. I only can say this because I know Your love. My eyes have been open to the secret of Your kingdom. Please give the people I love this realization! Please let them fall in love with You! I want us all to keep falling farther into Your love until we come to the center of it.

Father, You know how scary this is for me to write. These are words normally said in my closet where it's just You and me.. and maybe the occasional spider. This is me at my truest form, where I am most vulnerable. Ugh, I'm actually mad at You for telling me to share this. You know I don't like trusting this much of my heart with this many people. And that's why I know it was You who told me to do this and it wasn't something I just came up with on my own. I kept wanting to delete this post but You said keep going and I growled at You every time, but I love You and want to be obedient. I don't get why it has to be this way, but I haven't understood much of the past year of my life and here I am exclaiming my praises to You about it so I'll just trust You know what You're doing. I just pray that since You had me be this vulnerable You please use it for the good of Your kingdom.

In Jesus name, Yes. (Amen)

Ok fine, I'll post it Father.