I started praying for this passion, a better word would be love, seven weeks ago. And let me tell you, I started this prayer knowing it would be answered. In seven weeks I've found myself wanting different things in my life. If it isn't about Him then I don't care for it. It gets boring and pointless and if I go too long without Him I become upset and depressed. There is no joy in my life when I'm not talking about Him. The best times in my life are either when I'm reading my Bible, sitting and listening to a lesson, praying, blasting music and praising in my car, and then the one I love the most is sharing my faith with anyone around me. I love when the Holy Spirit whispers, "you should tell so and so what you just heard/read," telling them about it, and getting to know I encouraged some of the people I love the most.
So now that you understand my love for our God a bit more, (and if you don't, please please please talk to me about it. I'll share with ANYONE. I don't care who you are or if I know you. My biggest desire if for you to experience this love, passion.) I can go on and talk about how it's scary. In seven weeks I wish I could say I was as trustworthy as Abraham, but sorry that ain't gonna happen. I believe I'll get to that point but I'm still working on it. And in the seven weeks I've been pursuing this love I have had to step out in faith everyday.
Today wasn't any easier to step out into that faith. I started off my day so nervous I threw up which is something I can say I have never done so I was a bit shocked. I went through my day with questions bouncing around my head. Some were calmed as I learned more about the kids I would be working with but other questions still stuck in my side like thorns. It wasn't until I was driving to a friend's house well after work had finished that I said a crazy thing.
I was listening to the radio as I usually am doing and after a song finished, a recording of a man came on and talked about how God never leaves us. "Ok, I know this," went through my head, but it was when he said, "So you can thank Him for whatever it is you are going through." Once again it's something I've heard before, a million times actually, and I understand it, but this time it hit me differently. I heard myself whisper out, "Thank you for making me scared." What? Why would I be thankful for that?
I'm not sure how many of you follow me on twitter (@katkilpat) but I tweeted something after saying that prayer. "(I'm) learning that if I'm comfortable in my surroundings I'm not letting God use me enough. Not the easiest task but heck I love the payout!!"And it's true. I wanted passion. I wanted love. I wanted a disciple's life. How many of the disciples lived what Americans would call the comfortable life? And really, compared to them, I am living a comfortable life so I guess God isn't done with me yet, but that's besides the point. When you ask for a life of passion and love and discipleship get ready to become scared, but also be ready to crave that fear because with it comes remarkable courage, and that is one of the many "payouts" I'm getting with this new life. I get to know that every time He comes through, which He always will, no matter how scared I am (even to the point of losing my breakfast), my faith will be fortified. Every. Single. Time. It's already happened. I'm just getting ready for this next one that will come in a few days. And when my faith is fortified, my worship extends to the highest heavens, and the angels join in and we all praise God and give Him the glory. Then my heart is full of unexplainable joy and love until He puts me in another scary situation. But I know that every time my fear will become less and less and courage will grow because I will remember what He did for me all the other times.
So a life of courage, remarkable courage. That's the life I'm going to get if I keep this up. It makes all these times of being fearful so worth it and that's why I could say "Thank you for making me scared," in the car today and actually mean it.
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