Through Faith (Day 547)

So I wish today I could say I drove to my first official day of work excited and ready to conqueror.. but sadly I was so nervous I almost threw up my egg omelet I forced myself to eat even though I didn't have an appetite (also from being nervous). I wish I could say that by halfway through the day I was calm again but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that when I got home and literally fell down on my couch and immediately fell asleep (probably because my body was so tired from all of the anxiety) and then woke up two hours later that I was good to go, but sadly I was not. What finally calmed me down was getting down on my knees and praying.

I have this thing I do when I'm praying and I'm desperate. If you ever for some strange reason come upon me and I'm in this position, leave me be, but most likely you'll never get to see the real thing. But of course, I'm going to describe it to you. I'm on my knees, but not just on my knees, my forehead is to the ground, my hair is flipped over exposing my neck, and my hands are on the back of my head.. sometimes grasping my hair at the root. This position came to me one time in a desperate prayer and it's stuck for life. I chose it because I think of how vulnerable a person is in that position. If I was in battle, (and my dear friends, this life is a battle as the Bible tells us) I would be fully exposed. I have no way of seeing my enemy, my neck is uncovered giving the perfect opportunity to strike, and I'm so low to the ground I have no way of reaching safety before I'm attacked. I am helpless, and that is exactly what our God wants so He can step in and rescue us.

But wow, sorry about that. I got really off topic. One of those times the Holy Spirit took over so I guess I shouldn't be saying sorry at all.

Back to the story. I was praying, I was desperate for some relief. At first the words weren't there. I didn't know what I was even praying for. I said, "listen to my heart because I don't even know why I'm so upset." As I sat there words started to flow. Those words aren't going to be typed out like the last prayer I wrote. These are for me and my Lord only. But as I spilled my fears I was reminded of what words I had been given today by the people routing for me to get this job. First was my vice principal. As he introduced the new paraprofessional staff he gave me a few extra words. Instead of just saying my name he said, "I'm pleased to introduce Katherine. She's also one of our swim coaches and I'm happy to have her here because of her passion for the kids." I smiled as to thank him but in my head I was trying to figure out why he added that.

Then came time for our staff meeting with the entire school. As I walked up to the table to pick up my packet I saw a familiar face. It was the woman who interviewed me for the media lab assistant job and then sent me to this job instead. I said hi excitingly and told her I had been meaning to call her telling her I got the position. She said, "Oh, I already knew. We talk around here and I was told you got it. I'm so happy you are part of the staff. You're going to be amazing." The thought, "well that was nice of her" went through my head.

And then lastly, was when my vice principal pulled me aside after the staff meeting and asked how my first day went. I told him I wasn't scared off yet, but I had one concern (the concern causing much of the anxiety). As I voiced it, he once again gave me a compliment that I wasn't expecting. "I have great faith that you will excel at this job." I thanked him but walked off wondering what people saw that I wasn't.

Those things all hit me as I pushed my face as far into my carpet as I could without burning the skin off my nose. "Ok God, I get that You were trying to reassure me all day long with their confidence in me." But that still didn't change the fact that I didn't believe it. I kept asking why I was even put in this position. Why I was called (by Him I might add) to do this. And that's when I was hit with what I learned last night about faith from my Bible study. I'll just throw a few quotes I wrote down.

"The enemy has a lot of mouth and he will keep on lying. It's his most powerful  weapon. Good thing faith can shut the mouth of lions." Scripture reference: Hebrews 11:33

"Faith fights."

"Pray about everything because everything can be affected by prayer."

"Beyond every conquest is a promised fulfilled."

"Prayer cuts a window in a wall. What wall is in front of you?"

"Give thanks to God. Remember, He's always been faithful."

"Recognize the lies of the enemy and don't agree!"

"The enemy can't do anything God can't outdo!"

And most importantly to today was:
"Always associate through with faith."

That last one means that to get through something you have no answers to takes faith. Yes, it may be easier to go around but that never accomplishes anything. You have to go through what you're dealing with to grow. Good thing "He's always faithful." And that was the moment the anxiety stopped. When I remembered I have faith and I can move mountains.

You have got to be kidding me. This was the next quote on the list...